Every week, Raid Rx will help you quarterback your healers to victory! Your host, Matt Low, the grand pooh-bah of World of Matticus, is on vacation. Today, Allison Robert pens advice concerning recruitment policy that you would probably be better off not reading.

Unlike Dawn, I did not consult Matt Low prior to writing this article, because he would have told me to quit screwing around and write something helpful. I think we can all agree this serves as an important lesson to all WoW.com columnists -- namely, going on vacation leaves your column to the mercy of people like me.

Healers, like nuclear fission, are prone to instability and drama. This is perhaps understandable because the rest of the guild holds us responsible for the collapse of fishery stocks, split infinitives and the raid's survival through enormously stupid gameplay. Because we exert an equivalent amount of influence and control over all three issues, pressure eventually builds to the point where we crack and start screaming obscenities at the height of the raid hour, or else sit at our computers muttering to ourselves, oblivious to the stares of nearby friends who make a mental note to refill the Percocet when they are next in town.

So. As this process inevitably consumes most of your healing team, it will eventually become necessary to recruit. Healer recruitment is a process fraught with danger and heartbreak, as it involves the repeated casting of one's line into Yoohoo Lake in the hopes of fishing up the least terminally incompetent player therein. Officers are subsequently obliged to make distinctions between different applicants, some of whom may be legitimately crazy and nearly all of whom are lying in some respect.

The following guide should prove useful to any player who wants to know when someone can be comfortably incorporated into an existing healing team, and when an applicant should be shuffled in the direction of the nearest KFC selling two-piece and a curb stomp.

Disclaimer: Portions of the following guide may actually resemble a guild application I wrote to get into my present guild. I'll let you guess which bits and why they let me in.

Character name

Good: anything that is none from the following category

Bad: Thundernuts, Manjuice, Pwnsyoo, or any reference to genitalia, bodily fluids or no-fault auto insurance

Previous guilds

Good: Ensidia

Bad: (character limit exceeded)

Explain your reason/s for leaving your previous guild

Good: A decision was made to end raiding due to poor attendance from other members. I would like to finish this expansion's raid content and am looking for a new guild with the blessing of my guild leader.

[View Remaining 28 Paragraphs]